Why I Stayed (What I Loved As A Physician)

I resigned Thursday September 22^nd, 2022. After a ten-minute walk to the post office, I dropped the envelope in the metal box and meandered home, wondering, Did I really just do that? The response from within was immediate: I did and it was time. Emotion descended from the mountain tops; gratitude and grief consumed. A part of me had wanted to walk away, get off the train tracks, and out of the woods, for eight years; it finally happened

My wife, arriving home from work, walked through the door and I told her it was over. She understood, aware of my inner battle for years, and smiled. As we hugged and cried, a symbolic embrace of a new chapter, my mind begged, why didn’t I do this earlier? This celebration was a mourning; most joys are ends in fact. Memories rolled across my mind’s eye, from medical school and residency, colored in my torn ambivalence. Sleepless nights. Burned out days. Aimless living.

Again, I wondered, Why didn’t I do this earlier?

Because, I needed it; all of it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. And, there was tremendous meaning across the eight years. Not all was a waste.

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In the space between who I wanted to be and who I was, I tried to find myself. Throughout medical school, I thought about quitting, but hoped maybe, just maybe, I would find a way to be happy.

I love learning, so I poured my heart into learning everything I could, finding a bottomless appreciation for the body’s complexity.

I love listening, so I listened my heart out. To patients, classmates, co-residents, and office staff. I will never trade those conversations and connections. My therapy patients taught me more about courage than anything I learned on the football field.  

I love creating, so I created my heart out. I started a meditation class in med school. I co-created a website and podcast for people with type 1 diabetes.

I love teaching, so I taught my heart out. For third and fourth year of residency, I taught an introduction to the softer side of psychiatry to medical students.

I love being outside, so I surfed or hiked just about every weekend with co-residents. And it was awesome.

So, why didn’t I do this earlier?

I was doing it. Finding myself inside of something I was not, was the doing. I was taking microsteps closer to owning my life, until I was at last ready, September 22^nd, 2022. As a friend puts it, “Do you kick yourself for not being able to ride a bike without training wheels first?”

What I know, now, is it couldn’t have happened a moment earlier or later. I truly have no regrets—lessons learned, sure—but no regrets. Best eight year, $250,000 investment (lesson) of my life.