Author Steven Pressfield considers epiphanies as somber realizations, almost mournings, and certainly not the breakthrough lightbulb-above-the-head moments we see on TV. I had one such epiphany the night before I launched this project.
My wife and I were talking about the website, my goals, and why it was important to me. None of this was new to her, we’d already discussed the concept ad nauseam for weeks. I told her I was on the fence about how much to reveal regarding my future in medicine. Was I really leaving medicine? Should I keep the door open in case we need the money? How critical was it to my story? As she so frequently does, my wife paused while hanging up clothes and turned my direction with her “Seriously?” look.
A heavy stroke of epiphany descended upon me: I cannot practice medicine and be happy. Right there, it was full on acknowledgment and acceptance. Eight years of trying, rationalizing, and negotatiating was finally over. As an option in my future, it was off the table and a monkey was off my back. While not an apples to apples comparison, I understood the addict’s admission of powerlessness. My happiness problem inside medicine was one I couldn’t control. There, I decided to go for it, share everything, and tell my story.
The pattern of surrender and limitations led my moral from Monday’s What I Know About Regrets , where I argue that all we can really do is give it our best and release the rest, a lesson I learned first from my junior high football coach but became cemented after fitful nights of sleep worrying about my patients. Thursday’s So… What’s Next for Me? began as a journal, transformed to confession, and concluded as a roadmap through an uncertain present, led by another limitation: I don’t know what’s next.
It’s been kinda cool admitting powerlessness. I feel more human. I feel like a better listener (unverified assertion). And I feel more capable of dealing with what shows up in the present, which is all I can ask for.
(P.S. If you’d like to support me here in the after-medicine wilderness, a subscribe on YouTube or a follow on Instagram throws a long on my fire. Thank you!)
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
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