Gil Fronsal, a Buddhist meditation teacher, made a comment on the podcast Audio Dharma years ago that resurfaced this week. I’m paraphrasing, but it went like this, “It’s only a tragedy if we don’t change”. For context, he was referencing how to cope after natural disasters and the like.
Bad things happen to us and sometimes are caused by us. Whatever happened, it happened. Most are uncontrollable. Gil proposed life continues, not in vein, only if we change through what’s occurred. I like this death to life thinking.
When I started this six weeks ago, some folks viewed my journey as a zero-sum game. Money? Gone. Time? Gone. Life? Gone. A tragedy in total. I’ll admit, that was my assessment for stretches.
And it’s not accurate. There was certainly suffering; there’s no avoiding it. I can’t unsee what I saw about myself. But, I changed because of of it. Money? Invested. Time? Understood. Life? Cherished. Tragedy doesn’t fit the bill.
I spun that yarn with What I Loved As A Physician on Monday, where I reviewed the aspects of physicianhood I cherish. The zero sum assessment held no weight; I loved much of my time inside those hospital walls. Sparked by a question received from a newsletter reader, I tried on Thursday to delineate the difference between thick-as-thieves subjects in Are You Burned Out or On The Wrong Path? If anything, I’ve changed in knowing that difference.
As the week gathered steam, I thought about how we’re all doing it, all the time. Everything matters. What we watch on TV matters. What we read matters. Whether we walk the neighborhood with our headphones in, or out, matters. These choices add up and do change us, which ends up defining tragedy, or not. I ended up making a video to sum this up (linked below).
So yeah, going to medical school felt like a tragedy at times, and my decision to leave will be viewed as such, but the story’s not over, and I’m not done changing.
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
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