Back in the fall of 2021, l was cloaked in low-grade misery. I had run the medicine horse to death, searched the landscape over, and the prospect of fulfillment was nil, based on seven and a half years of experience.
Some hear this and are bound to wonder, as I rationalized for most of a decade, “How could you resent being a physician? What an honor.” I do not resent being a physician, undergoing the training, or finishing residency. Medicine is a beautiful profession and absolutely the right career choice for many. What I resented was myself, for not going after what I wanted, which was something other than medicine. There was shame in that, which produced inaction and a relentless pouring over the past for answers.
This is where I found myself, back in the fall of 2021. Not seeking ways to improve my situation, I was interested in locating means to change the past and methods to numb the present. But, I was growing tired of the charade. Something had to be done.
There was an open space between the buildings of my apartment complex, an enclave lined with eucalyptus trees and benches in their respective shade. Me and my coffee were here most mornings. It was as serene a spot one could hope for inside Orange County’s sprawl of three million.
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One such weekday morning, I was attempting to glean enough motivation from a self-help book to last the whole clinic schedule, when a riveting character appeared, the likes of which made a lasting impression. Staring into my soul, impervious, was a squirrel six-feet off my right foot, missing a tail, and on the sidewalk between my apartment. Thirty seconds into this old-western, high noon duel, it was clear this creature had a special temperament.
I moved my foot its direction. Not a flinch. I began to stand. It stepped to me. I thought, What the hell is going on here? The Squirrel with No Tail won this first gunfight. I walked the long way home. As I watched it dart up the nearest tree for havoc, inspired by its own victory, I ached for the valor of the Squirrel with No Tail.
In the weeks that followed, I observed this squirrel with growing curiosity. He covered double the ground of his peers with four times the intensity (in hindsight, this may have been rabies-induced, hard to say). When it entered other squirrels’ territory, they conceded. The Squirrel with No Tail was living an undaunted life. It was respected and feared. It was enjoying itself.
We had a few more dustups, about once a week, whereby it remained himself and bore holes in my soul with glaring eye contact from the trees or the ground. By morning I’d see it digging up other squirrels’ nuts. By afternoon I’d witness it jump across eucalyptus trees at encroaching crows. You can only watch a squirrel with no tail, out there doing its thing, for so long, before you wonder, “What am I waiting on again?”
I was slouched in my chair after a morning of clinic, mindlessly mid-day scrolling as I ate my lunch. It hit me like a ton of bricks: I am doing nothing to improve my position. I must do something. Anything.
That day, right there at lunch, I messaged a life coach. It was an admission that I needed help. To get where I wanted to go, it required humility.
The coaching was paramount. I got back in the gym. I began holding myself accountable. I took more responsibility over my daily actions. I dreamed of where I wanted to go, instead of replaying my revisions of the past. None of the changes were immediate, but I was doing something. I became willing to do anything.
I think that’s what I admired most about the Squirrel with No Tail. It would do whatever it takes. There was an aliveness in that squirrel’s actions that inspired greatness. It was a model standing in contrast to my daily habits. If I wanted to stay living in this squirrel’s orbit, I had to level up.
In the months before I moved, I stopped seeing the Squirrel with No Tail. Perhaps it finally barked up the wrong eucalyptus or found other grounds to dominate. That said, if that squirrel is still breathing, I can promise its presence is felt; a gift I am grateful to have witnessed.
