For those first three months after I left medicine, it was bliss. To exist, each day upon awakening, was to be outside of medicine and that’s all I needed to be fulfilled. For so long I’d worked for that feeling: to just not be a doctor. Everything was rapture. Beer tasted great again! I liked sports again! I liked people again! The actual consequences of my choice were buried beneath a landslide of emotions, the furthest thing from my thoughts.
For the next six months, I lived in and out of various delusions of various helpfulness aimed at finding out who I was after medicine. I had a stage as a vlogger, where I had a vision of releasing weekly episodes about my life. I actually tried that. Then, I wanted to be an influencer and amass as many followers as imaginable. For a stretch, I posted motivational quotes daily, a video every other day. I was quite busy. Busy enough to keep the consequences of my choice submerged, only occasionally cresting into sight, when I’d quickly convince myself I’d soon have enough followers to make the consequences inconsequential.
For the last six months, I’ve been in a slow reconciliation with the truth. Turns out, I don’t like making YouTube videos. Nor do I believe Instagram needs any more inspirational quotes. And outside of rapture, I’m no longer blissed out. I’m sober. This is difficult and hard.
Which leads me back to another line by Rilke:
That something is difficult must be one more reason for us to do it.
The honeymoon phase was good. Back then, I wouldn’t have lasted long in a staring contest with the truth. I needed the illusion of rapture and internet stardom. I needed to keep moving; I just needed out of medicine. And my honemoon did that for me.
But now it’s time to walk with the difficulty, clear-eyed and sober. Because hardship is the adventure I wanted all along, not medicine or its honeymoon.
To livin’ a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
(P.S. If my first book, 32 Lessons from 8 Years Lost in Medicine, receives 50 Amazon reviews, Amazon will start recommending the book in its algorithm. If you have a chance, I’d be grateful for a read and a review. Here’s the link.)
