Public opinion sees chewing on fingernails as slovenly. Something an unkempt person would do. As one of the unfortunates to be afflicted with this chronic behavior, I disagree. I chew my cuticles and nails down because I cannot tolerate the disorder. If one cuticle so much as thinks about lifting away from its nailbed, my well-tuned alarm systems alert my teeth and I’ve weedwacked it back into place. Usually though, about the time the process comes into my awareness, blood is pooling, I’m searching for a napkin to clot the mini-hemmorhage, and I think, “Damn, gonna be at least three days before that one looks normal again.”
A year ago, in an attempt to automate my life, I scheduled nail and cuticle trimming for Friday mornings. Why? I have no idea. It was a mid-life crisis; a lot was up in the air. I didn’t have a job. I needed order. Every Friday morning since, I trimmed my nails and cuticles, leaving them as manicured as my grandpa’s front yard. By the following Monday, I’m staring at my fingers, counting the days till Friday, praying I can make it through. By the time I make it to week’s end, my thumbs look like they were baited for squirrels.
Here, I made a grave mistake. I wasn’t honest with myself. I am a rabid fiend of a nail biter. I can barely make it an hour, nonetheless a week, between maintenance clips. This is reality for me. This is who I am. (In another self-realization, I wrote this week about how unreasonable we must be in the only choice we have: being who we are.)
As of Monday, I’m trimming my nails and cuticles daily. This is who I am. I can’t be someone I’m not. I can’t be a person trusted to not chew down a free cuticle. And so far, I must say the nails are looking better; they’re fit for public appearances again. And with another hefty dose of honesty, I’m living closer to who I am, not trying to be someone I’m not.
To livin’ a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
(P.S. This week, my new book 32 Lessons from 8 Years Lost in Medicine debuted on Amazon and Amazon Kindle. If you’d like to purchase, here’s a link.)
