(First published via my email newsletter. Sign-up here.)
Well, it’s been three weeks. Since our last correspondence, my wife and I moved (halfway) across the country—we’re in Oklahoma City, currently, awaiting our departure to Georgia (country, not state) for a three-week trip to visit my wife’s family—before a final (for the time) translocation to North Carolina in July. After describing to a friend our summer travel, he said, “You’re about to go into limbo. Sounds fun.” Limbo it’s been; and in this intermediate uncertainty, I’ve lost my bearings, only to discover a few new (and old) ones.
For the first two weeks of limbo, I’d wake up, envision putting phalanges to keys, and by nightfall, having failed to do so, assign blame. Boxes needed packing. Family needed hanging. Bike needed riding. The Uhaul needed driving. I needed sleeping. Still, I got a few videos out. Sent a few “important” emails. Kept the operation tethered. But I failed to write. With excuses, I attempted to get myself off the hook.
For the last week, I wrote… some. I got back to it, barely, but nonetheless, phalanges punched keys. And in doing so, I found a bearing; I was reminded of what writing’s meant to me since leaving medicine.
My dedication of time has been practical. All the tasks had to get done. I wanted to hug, laugh, and soak up my family. And I needed to catch up with friends. So, excuses don’t justify why I didn’t write. I made choices. I chose not to write. I chose to invest energy elsewhere, like fishing. Or talking with my grandma. Or grabbing a past-due happy hour.
Those were never excuses. Those were alive choices. Just as writing is a choice.
When I own choice, I get to make future choice. I own the complexity without allocation of responsibility. I write the story. I learn the lessons. I live the life. I know now, because of limbo, that for me to have my bearings, I don’t need to write—I need to own my choices, without excuses (and with a healthy dose of self-compassion).
Don’t let yourself off the hook. Make choices. Accept consequences. And learn to live your life.
To living one we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
(P.S. I created a Spotify playlist with every song from the 32 Truths series. Get the random collection of my favorites HERE.)
