The natural course of things calls for simplification, but we fight the inevitable, hoping to avoid compromise of any kind. But the house rules are the house rules: necessary losses unlock vital gains.
In the last year, I graduated residency, moved with my fiancee cross-country, got married, became board-certified, quit the profession I’d dedicated eight years and earned said board certification in, launched this, and am moving again, cross-country.
Each change required loss. Each change outlined a unpredictable gain. In a continuation of last week’s moving accounting , let’s tally my losses for the year:
- My ability to do things I don’t want.
- My assumption I can make people happy
- My willingness to care about what people think
- My tendency to prioritize financial security over my health
- My habit of caring more about being nice than respected
- My fear of failing and looking like an idiot
- My constant desire for perfectionism in every action I take
- My fear of upsetting anyone
- My inability to ask for my needs
When we hear the word “loss” in life (sports in particular), the meaning skews negative. But one quick review of the list above shows I needed those losses, as soon as possible. They were incredibly necessary, and still incomplete I must say, all works in progress. But they’re on the work table, every day.
What’s been the gain to the losses? I have choice—not without limitation because every age has constrictions—but I get to be myself, now. That’s the gift.
Afforded by the wandering odyssey of medicine that supplied what I had to become, to realize I didn’t need (another necessary loss), I became a psychiatrist. I chronicled how psychiatry drew me toward it, like iron filings to the magnet, in Thursday’s Why I Became A Psychiatrist (Really) . I earnestly believed for most of the journey that I’d end up practicing medicine and happy. That was another one I had to give up—predicting what my life would be like in the future.
Today, if you really want a different life for yourself and that calling of yours is soul tugging, prepare for a loss or two. Necessary ones. Because that’s the toll we have to pay. And it’s so worth it.
To living a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
(P.S. Back early in the Book Trail Series , I highlighted Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. Obviously given today’s email, it continues to impact my life three years after reading. Available for purchase here .)
