Yesterday afternoon, I walked into Fitness 19, scanned my ID, and asked the front desk attendant how to cancel my membership, explaining my move in two months. She outlined the steps—a linear and smooth interaction overall—and I went about my workout. To the onlooker (there were no onlookers), the whole ordeal was routine: a guy had a need, asked a question, and received an answer.
But one part surprised the hell out of me: my voice. With a tone of assurance and absolutely no trepidation, I spoke. It was so novel I almost paused talking just to listen to myself. The craziest part was how natural it felt. Huh, what was that about? I thought while walking to the squat rack. Am I “finding my voice”? Was that a part of my Fitness 19 contract?
Shy, soft-spoken, introverted, while not the adjectives most would assign me, confident, assertive, and assured wouldn’t fit right either. My life is notable for stretches of difficulty asking for needs, leading to deference when conflict is required, even when as minuscule as a gym cancellation question. I know, it’s absurd, but not uncommon for me to duck such an encounter and “go figure it out later”. It’s an inefficient way to live.
There at the gym, I sensed a need and went about its resolution, judging it reasonable. The assurance in my assessment and tone, are seeming outcomes of being myself; an ownership that’s required minor and significant conflicts, and will continue to do so, forever. I trust myself again, because I am myself, again.
Monday’s One Year to the Day, I Reflect on the Morning My Life Changed, was an analysis of my proof-of-concept journal entry from 365 days ago, serving as a reminder of what it took… and will take, to continue self-occupation. After watching a fraternity brother’s TEDx Talk two months ago, I’ve pondered the “And then…” moments of my life, and Thursday’s “Everyone Deserves A Chance To Do What They Want” outlines the impact of an attending’s gracious assurance in being myself. Man it was needed.
If I have in fact “found my voice”, that’s welcome news. As long as it’ll have me, I’ll keep it good company, but if I know anything, it’ll be a fight to own it, and that’s a fight I want.
To building lives we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
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