(Appeared first in this morning’s newsletter)
Brushing of teeth and half-assed floss complete, I fell in bed last night. I’d resigned to the week’s forces, conceding the newsletter wouldn’t happen. You know the rationalizations: I’m tired, it’s been a hard week, I need to give myself a break because I’ve had family and friends in town, blah blah blah. Then, from deep within, perhaps eight years within, something stood up, saying, “No, get it done. You made a commitment.” Commitment to what? Who? Not sure, but the voice was stern and here I am, writing the newsletter.
It got me thinking: almost every “breakthrough” in my life has come against tendency. By piercing a self-imposed membrane, in one instant, we yield a new perception of capability. Over the years, I’ve come to inspect my first impulse, which is honed by intuition, yes, but also motivated by trauma and loss. I’ve come to realize most of my reactions seek to prevent pain, not aimed at what I desire. While not always true, I try to keep this pattern in mind.
Breakthroughs remind me of the “cutback” in football, my favorite feeling growing up. The cutback is a break against expectation into the teeth of the defense, forgoing sideline safety for the wide-open prosperity of green grass. It’s heaven in one cut; I do no exaggerate. We own the same feeling when we open the car door, against mounting internal resistance, taking the first step toward the gym’s doors after however many minutes talking ourselves out of the gym. It pays to stay curious with our impulses, adding a “but what if I…” to anything.
One such breakthrough was my decision to teach health to high school kids after college, delaying medical school two years, which proffered a feeling that kept hope alive across the last eight years, outlined fully in Monday’s When It Rains, It Implores (How to Survive Any Storm) . Thursday’s How to Choose Happiness When It’s Not What You Lived was a cautionary tale of what can happen if you don’t cutback…
I’m steadily and stubbornly accepting it: life will never stop being hard, but has anything worthwhile in my life ever been easy? I think not, but that complacent, entitled part of me will keep seeking painless, easy days. With that in mind, let’s look for an opportunity today, on a Friday, the day we check out and into the weekend, because the best time for a cutback has always been when they (even I) don’t expect it.
Building a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
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