I hit a wall this week. A big one.
By Wednesday night, I was angry. While I was weed-wacking the innocent weeds surrounding the perimeter of my home, I wanted to annihilate them. In a week where it seemed nothing was easy, on a day where the to-do list was kicking my ass, I was at least capable of putting the weeds in their place.
An hour later while pushing the mower, I settled my way into something near acknowledgment of my frustration. With every pass through the rows of tall grass, I watched the source of my frustration come into view: I wasn’t getting what I wanted. What was it that I wanted? I couldn’t have told you! But I kept shaving down our backyard, row by row, until it was done, until I found myself beside the stove cooking dinner with my wife.
“You doing alright?” She asked, the question sneaking from the corner of her mouth as she cooked.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
I watched her brow furrow as she pursed her lips, not saying a word.
“Alright, I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do next.”
I sensed her relief. We talked about what was on my mind. We paused. I was ultimately grateful that she asked the question.
The wall I’d hit was impossibility. As we spoke, reality appeared in my view. The projects that I’d been pursuing, across a couple of different businesses, were stagnant. Something had to give, or something else would: me. I simply could not accomplish, at this point, what I wanted to accomplish. With reality beside me, my priorities recrystallized, I’ve since let go of a few pursuits. For now. I must.
Occasionally, when we hit the wall, we need to blow it up. The wrecking ball needs swung. Other times, we need to pause and appraise, maybe even call in reinforcements. Perhaps even look up at the wall and see how tall it is, remembering that we don’t always have the answers, something that only time can provide. As hard as it is to concede, sometimes all we need to do is trust in the deliverance of time, and trust ourselves enough to figure it out later.
To livin’ a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
