It’s remarkable how often I find myself thinking back. I know I’m supposed to be present. I know the answers are here and now. But more and more, I believe my past is the handhold to my future.
For instance, I was ready to quit residency five months before graduation. I was so ready to quit that I told my wife (then fiancée) and therapist I was done. Boldly. I’d done an accounting of my savings, 401K cash out, and home equity, thinking I could swing myself about three months to locate a job in consulting.
But I didn’t quit. I finished the job (because of the honesty shared by my wife and therapist). I had to take responsibility for my life, where it was then, and go figure it out in the present reality. It was something like growing up. After, however painful it was to mourn the loss of my escape plan, my life became more meaningful. My actions mattered. It was one of the best decisions of my life.
How do I know that? For one, I’ve never regretted that choice. For two, that choice continues to serve me.
When we meet resistance from any of the inevitable forms of life adversity, our ranks fall backward. What we fall backward upon is our past. As the Greek poet Archilochus observed, “We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.” How we handle anything is the training upon which our future relies. But the real key—understood through many mistakes, discussed in this week’s essay—is that I have to invest in my next choice. I did not learn from passive engagement. My future self was not served by the days where I showed up to work just to get home again.
This week, I leaned heavily upon that choice to stay in residency. I needed it. If I could endure that, I can endure what’s ahead, I reminded myself. And when I need this moment in the future, I hope it’s ready to serve too.
To livin’ a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
(P.S. The support for my first book, 32 Lessons from 8 Years Lost in Medicine, has been wonderful. If you’ve bought the book or plan to buy the book, leaving an Amazon review helps the book immensely. If the book receives 50 Amazon reviews, Amazon will begin recommending the book in its algorithm. So, if you have a chance, I’d be grateful for a read and a review. Here’s the link.)
