In going to medical school, I selfishly used my family as an excuse to defer responsibility for my life. Selfish?, you might wonder.
I chose what looks like a selfless path but really I cared not to disappoint those around me. Selflessness was how I assured myself, taking pride in my willingness to do anything for my family. If becoming a doctor limited the distress of my family (and I helped patients), then godspeed. What could go wrong? It was selfless… or was it?
Here’s the hard truth: if it’s easier (less pain, less difficulty), it’s probably the selfish choice.
Going to medical school was easier than figuring out who I was and what I wanted. By choosing medicine, I did temper distress (for a few days to weeks?) for my family, but really, I dodged conflict and responsibility. The cost of that choice was getting lost, which added distance in my relationships.
You’d have to ask my family for their opinion, but I’ve felt more present since leaving medicine. More there for a hard conversation. More myself. The truth of who I am is knowable by my family again, which I hope frees me to know theirs.
Perhaps not in the short-term, but in the long game of our life, the most selfless thing you can do is be yourself. And that’s always the harder choice.
To living a life we love,
Ryan Fightmaster, MD
(P.S. In this week’s article, I chronicled how much harder this whole journey has been than expected. Hard has become unofficial word of the week. Still, I’ll take hard over what life was a few years ago. Good luck in whatever phase of the journey you’re in, hard or not.)
Teeheehee such an important insight, thank you! I like the paradoxical play on words—that ‘selfless’ means being fully yourself. Would you accept an additional frame of being fully yourself as ‘the most generous and giving’? Somehow this set of words makes me feel a greater sense of agency and choice—that I *own* my full self and *offer* it wholeheartedly to anyone I encounter. 🤔😏🥰🌟🙏🏼
Best wishes to you!!
You are so welcome. Appreciate the insights and will glad accept that additional frame. Couldn’t agree more, it’s the most generous thing we can possibly do (because it’s sustainable). Best wishes to you too!